Have you ever had a day where you feel like you're being beat over the head with some particular message? Over and over, from every different angle...today has been one of those days for me. Well, it's been something that's been in the back of my mind for the last couple of weeks, but today has been a solitary, reflective sort of day where I feel like I'm drowning in this theme of seizing the day and not allowing the moment to pass you by. It's been in everything from the cartoon that was playing on noggin when I turned the tv on this morning (my nephew was here yesterday and that was the channel the tv was on when I turned it off...I do not really watch noggin on a regular basis!) to the movie that I caught the last 30 minutes of this afternoon; it was the theme of three of this week's tv shows that I tivo-ed and watched today (yes, I watched a lot of tv today!) it was in the statuses of facebook friends and the particular Post Secret cards that caught my eye...it just seems like that message is everywhere today: Carpe Diem. Do what matters now. Don't let the moment pass you by!
And I think I've picked up on this theme so readily because that it has been my heart's cry (yes, heart's cry--it may sound cheesy but I don't know how else to say it!) for the past few weeks--longer, really. I try not to talk about it too often because it seems to be a reoccurring yet never-quite-satisfied longing which everyone is probably sick of hearing about, but it hasn't gone away...do they ever? But the thing I struggle with is not knowing WHAT it is that I'm longing for. What will satisfy me at that soul-level? I feel paralyzed by indecisiveness! I would go after it full-force...if I only knew what I was going after!
I've always been curiously drawn to this passage in Proverbs 13: 12 which says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I'm drawn to it because I feel like my hope is deferred and my heart is sick, but I don't know what I'm longing for! I long for fulfillment and purpose. I want to do something that makes a difference. I want to have meaningful interactions with strangers and colleagues and friends. But I don't know how to make that happen! My days so often unravel into a jumble of frustration and disappointment and I definitely don't feel like I'm "sucking the marrow out of life."
For so long I've done what I thought I was supposed to do. I'm a rule-follower at heart, and I don't know how to function when I'm not following the rules. But I feel like, in order to truly do those things--in order to really live life--I'm gonna have to make choices that won't please everyone...and I've been a people-pleaser for so long. I've lived my life playing it safe...and I'm realizing that it hasn't gotten me anywhere I want to be. I chose teaching because it was safe and practical--teaching is a great job for a mom, ya know. Except I haven't become a mom...and while I love literature, I don't particularly love teaching. I am living in Lafayette because that is sensible and practical. My family is here. We all go to my mom's house for lunch every Sunday and that makes her happy. I am single because life is easier that way. I avoid intimate emotional attachments because those are often messy and involve me making myself vulnerable and bare--something I try my best never to do.
But I'm becoming aware that the safe choices I've made have, on some level, become the velvet cage in which I've enclosed myself. And I don't know what the next step needs to be. I am both ready for a change and scared to death to do anything to make that change a reality. I thought that change was going to become a reality last summer, but yet another unravelling and with it, a year of uncertainty, frustration and trial. So here we are on the cusp of another summer...back at square one, so to speak. As so I wonder: When will it come together? When will things 'click'?! What part do I have in making that happen? What part is out of my control? And why, even when I've accepted that I'm not in control, do I still feel responsible for the outcome...or lack thereof?! I realize that I'm not making much sense at all. I'm sure I'll come back and read this in the light of day and cringe at both the coherence and content...but it's what I want to express right now. It's what is real and painful at this moment. I will end with a poem by Langston Hughes which expresses these sentiments much more eloquently than I could ever hope to do:
Dream Deferred
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink
like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Wow! Talk about honesty and passion. We're going to have a lot to talk about on Thursday in our small group.
I hear ya. I get there a lot. Lately I've felt a bit more fulfilled or whatever with the photography thing but I know there's more. Just not sure what it is.
I really hope you find whatever it is that you don't know what you're looking for. : )
Post a Comment