My Oscar Speech!

Wow. Oh boy. I wasn't going to prepare a speech, but my sister, Erica, told me I'd jinx myself if I didn't. So, thanks, Buttercup!

[Pause. Inhale deeply. Nod to Jack Nicholson.]

I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd like to thank the sassy, beautiful, over-the-hill actors I was nominated with. Just to be included in a group with you all is an honor.

I'd like to thank my manager, Abe Goldstein, my agent, Ari, my stylist, and all the immensely talented people at Paramount, Harvey Weinstein, Toby, and Della Bridges.

I'd also like to thank my parents, who supported me through the death of my kitten, Snowball. And Tom Hanks, my one ... true ... love [gaze into audience].

Last, but certainly not least, we all just lost Mel Brooks, a truly stunning visionary and ridiculous soul. [Begin tearing.] I'd like us to take a moment to ... No! Yikes!!

Don't start playing that music, I have 68 more people to go!

My editor Jen Moy, my accountant Jessica Caperton, my lawyer Brian Hoffpauir, and my personal assistant Erica Trahan, Josh at Grendel Pictures. Brad Grey. When we started this project, declining standardized test scores in America was something no one wanted to talk about. Victims of childhood obesity, this is for you! Thank ...

[Music swells.]

You can write your own Oscar speech here. It's fun! :)