My Oscar Speech!

Wow. Oh boy. I wasn't going to prepare a speech, but my sister, Erica, told me I'd jinx myself if I didn't. So, thanks, Buttercup!

[Pause. Inhale deeply. Nod to Jack Nicholson.]

I'd like to thank the Academy. I'd like to thank the sassy, beautiful, over-the-hill actors I was nominated with. Just to be included in a group with you all is an honor.

I'd like to thank my manager, Abe Goldstein, my agent, Ari, my stylist, and all the immensely talented people at Paramount, Harvey Weinstein, Toby, and Della Bridges.

I'd also like to thank my parents, who supported me through the death of my kitten, Snowball. And Tom Hanks, my one ... true ... love [gaze into audience].

Last, but certainly not least, we all just lost Mel Brooks, a truly stunning visionary and ridiculous soul. [Begin tearing.] I'd like us to take a moment to ... No! Yikes!!

Don't start playing that music, I have 68 more people to go!

My editor Jen Moy, my accountant Jessica Caperton, my lawyer Brian Hoffpauir, and my personal assistant Erica Trahan, Josh at Grendel Pictures. Brad Grey. When we started this project, declining standardized test scores in America was something no one wanted to talk about. Victims of childhood obesity, this is for you! Thank ...

[Music swells.]

You can write your own Oscar speech here. It's fun! :)

I may have posted this once before...

but it deserves to be posted again! It makes me laugh (or cry...or laugh AND cry) and this blog is all about me, right?!

YOU MIGHT BE EMPLOYED BY A SCHOOL IF.....

1. You believe the playground/school quad should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
2. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
3. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
4. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
5. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
7. You have no social life between August and June.
8. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much easier.
9. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
10. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
11. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".
12. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
13. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
14. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
15. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"